Bird Flu – A conversation with my father *cluck*

Setting the scene:

Me….slumped over the kitchen sick washing today’s and all of yesterdays plates, glasses, cutlery etc….

Conversation:

Dad: oooooh…what’s this…biriyani!! Uff…you got the chicken one!!

Me: yeah…Mehreen got it on the way home….bribery for looking after Sophia

Dad: But why chicken

Me: cause we always eat chicken

Dad: but I don’t want to get sick

Me: Hein! You mean its ok for us to eat chicken but you wont?

Dad: Those who are not scared, eat it….I’m scared

Me: WAT!!! You’d let us eat it but you wont??!??!

Dad: Some one has to be left to make funeral arrangements!!!!!!!!

Zehra (name)

Zehra (variants: Zerah, Zahra, Zahrah, Zarah, Zara, Zaara, Zohra, Zohrah, Zora, Zorrah) is a female given name, that might have a Swahili, Arabic, Hebrew, Greek, Slavic or English origin

It means all of the following:

1) a flower, or to blossom
2) radiance, brilliant, bright or fair
3) dawn or bright as the dawn
4) princess
5) the color white

I love ma name......FUCK ALL OF U WHO MISS-PRONOUNCE N SPELL IT WRONG!

Sunday, oh Sunday....

"My darkness prevails in the absence of your light"

Today….i was home…..in ma room….98% of the day…..i ate…read….watched tv….all by ma own. Was meant to paint…but had no emotion…no motivation..no inspiration

Thoughts of you float by once in a while….and I remembered the flowers. All 5 buds have bloomed and….I finally agree…they look beautiful. I wish one day, I too, would bloom.

Ogake, one of ma closest friends from uni, told me today what lilies mean. It was a strange revelation. Roses symbolize love, Chinese bamboo…harmony…but lilies…..when given to one….means….

"I dare you to love me”

And I do dare you…why won’t u submit! Why cant I break you like you’ve broken me.

Strange thing is….ma name Zehra…in some languages….means Flower, and I know how much you love em….so I ask u….Love this flower too.

Anyways……I again have got ‘clicking-diarrhea’. I showered, did ma hair and makeup and took many new strange pictures, strange as in direction, context, subject and of course the unusual use of blurriness.

Ratty got another chance to pose…hehe…I simply adore him…he is..ma savior when the nites are cold and ma heart is alone. He had the right amount of ‘squeeze’ in him! He tried a strawberry today!! :)

And I read the “Readers Digest”. The cover states “Love Struck”….I think they made a Typo……it should be “LOVE STINKS”

I stopped at the following article….need to read that one tonite…I need to make $$$$$ and get ma own place…move out…live ma own life!!


Stuffed maself with a whole bowlful of fruit. I’m very particular, I hate being interrupted while I eat so I cleaned, deseeded 3 oranges, sliced an apple and tossed in a few strawberries. One word….YUM!

And that was that.....just a fruity-lonely day......in my room....wid Me, Myself and I

Stolen Car (we should be dancing)

OHMIGOD!!!

I have been searchin 4 this song 4 like a few weeks now...finally got it! YEAH BABY!!!

Its a old song of 'Sting' which he has redone wid 'Will I Am'. i just luveeeee it!!! Smacking video as well!!!

"Please take me dancing tonight I've been all on my own
You promised one day we could its, what you said on the phone
I'm just a prisoner of love always hid form the light
Take me dancing, please take me dancing tonight"


This isn't the version i like....its widout Will I Am....but the ones wid him...utube has no embedded code :(




The one i like is : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_cE4dnzLXs

Photographs

Yeah...i know....its been quite a few days that i havn't updated ma blog....believe me...i have sooooo much to write about.....and i will....hopefully tomorrow i will have typing-diarrhea...lols

I been posting pics online as well..need to add more.....i have clickin-diarrhea currently....been takin wayyy tooo many pics.....of MOI! lols....yeah...self obsessed 4 the moment!

Ma life in pics.....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/zehra_khan/

Horoscope

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My horoscope today said that my “spirit is endless”…I would like to believe so.
On second reading…oh gosh….FISHSTICKS!!!

“Your humor takes you to a new direction and achieves strong results”

Yes. I have made a new friend recently…and he scares me!! Why…because it’s like I’m talking to me!!! And if that is even 50% so…then…I’m happy because….that means I’m kewl!! Meaning he’s kewl!! Only reason 4 ma uncontrollable joking and laughing these last few days….and for those who know me really well…..know that I don’t often laugh….let alone smile…I mean….there are sooo many times when I’m joking wid ma friends….we’re web camming…..I’m writing “LOL” and ma face…looks like I’m bout to cry….lols…..(yes…I did just type that widout even a slight up turn of the lip)

“You could be rethinking a decision that involves finances and partnerships,”

DAMM RIGHT I AM!! I am gonna RE-Resign! I cant even take a day off from work widout ppl sayin shit n me stressing bout what’s being done etc. I’m only stayin 4 the monthly income so that I don’t have to depend on ma fmily. But if I leave work…there are sooo many thing I can accomplish this year. Learn German…finish ma driving lessons…finish the number of painting wanna exhibit InshAllah in the next few months. LOSE WEIGHT!!!! Lolsss…….(yes…still no flicker of the lips)

Partnerships…hmm…..well…if its of the personal kind….yes…I have been doin a lot of rethinking. I need something wid a positive outcome. I’m not a child anymore, I need to cut out all the negativity.

“So much confusion! Sort through facts”

Yes I am confused. Zehra….he is not yours….step away from the desire…take many many steps back. Let go…and BREATHE!!! Inhale…exhale….exhale all of him OUT! I need to get him out from under my skin…Get him out from deep within

“Tonight: Remember what is fun in life”

Fun….fun….FUN??...wats fun? Its been too long….I think me forgot!
Definition of FUN…A source of enjoyment, amusement, or pleasure.
LETS GO LOOK FOR SOME FUN!


All in all…..its been a weird few months…need to rectify MANY things.
Need to ERASE many things

Aretha Franklin » I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)

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The name says it all.....

"And I don't know why
I let you do these things to me"


I liked the oldest version best....true raw form...Unadulterated

"...i feel numb...."

Today was a very stressful bz bz day at work...
was so scared that i'd get only 1/2 ma shipment....but....i got it all..and sent it off on time too...i feel sooo damm good! yeah Zebbie!!! *pats ma own back*

last few days....been goin through mixed emotions...been speakin to some one i promised maself i wouldn't b in contact wid....ever..... its all a case of "difficult to forgive...impossible to forget".

Sometimes i have a hard time finding direction....and i feel lost even before i start looking...and then i decided....why bother lookin.....i rather just stand here...waitin....than gettin lost in the crowd....why plan..why hope....it never really happens...nuthin ever happenes....in the words of John Lennon "life happens when you're busy making plans"....so i say...fuck the plans....i dont wanna b crushed....just wanna live life one day at a time...."..once you let go of the wheel...u might just end up where you belong.."

i've found maself to b in LOVE again...and i HATE it....the years have only taught me that "love wounds in a way that does not let you live or die" ...and i just wish....for once....i could be seen....but so far....i find that...."..i'm just a disposable pleasure and not a meaningful pursuit.."

just wish....4 once....it could b me....that i could b the one....and i often wonder...."can a heart still break once it's stopped beating?"..cause i feel dead inside.....

STAY - SugarLand

This song.....is too real....very sad...yet powerful...and it never fails to bring tears to ma eyes everytime i listen to it.
i'm sure everyone goes through these emotions in some stage of their life.....i know i have.....lived it for 3 years......and still living it....

play the song....hear wat i hear...feel wat i have felt...wat i still feel....


....just a bit of the lyrics that get to me....

"n i'll be crying
n i'll b beggin u baby
beg u not 2 leave
but i'll b left here waiting
with my heart on my sleeve
oh 4 the next time we'll be here
seems like a million years
n i think i'm dying
n i don't like being used
n i'm tired of waiting
it's 2 much pain
2 have 2 bare
2 love a man u have 2 share
y dont u stay
im down on my knees
im so tired of being lonely
don't i give u what u need
i can't take it any longer
but my will is getting stronger
n i think i know just what i have 2 do
i can't waste another minute
after all that i've put in it
i've given u my best
y does she get the best of u
so the next time u find
u wanna leave her bed 4 mine
y dont u stay
im up off my knees
im so tired of being lonely
u cant give me what i need
there is 1 thing u should know
i dont have 2 live this way"

Me

I’ve been a little down with life recently.....suddenly I felt as if I wasn’t so strong any more...and I’m extremely lonely...Where have all the good men gone…I have yet to meet one btw…the one who’d make me his…My effin luck that the ones I fall for r either retards…or….taken…

I’ve been trying to put this brave face on, coming back to Pakistan, turning ma back to ma painful (physical and mental) past... being aggressive wid ma life focusing on work n only work....its all well n good...but its not me...well…Yes it is me…I am a self confessed workaholic…and this last 1 year I’ve been grinding myself to the bone…I’ve hardly had time for friends….for a life…for myself…

The real me is the hopeless romantic wid endless love n hugs to give.....
Me is the hyper one dancing in da middle of the night to wicked music….yes…at times I do dance with ma maniquin!!
Me is the one who chills late night wid close friends n freshly baked Chocó fudge brownies…well…used to during ma last year at Uni....
Me is the one wid the absurd makeup! Yes….I DO have the balls to go out looking like a freak at times...lols...
Me is the one who takes long walks at any time of the day/night…finding a place to sit n think…miss finding that empty spot on a swing in that empty park on a cold lonely night
Me is the one who giggles uncontrollably with friends...getting ready 4 a night out.
Me is the one who de-stresses by cooking 4 course meals...baking pies, cakes and god knows what else I can think up of…ppl I care about have often blamed me 4 making them fat….and if u haven’t been privileged to enjoy my culinary skills and put on the calories…I apologize…its not that I don’t care or haven’t made the time or effort…its just that I haven’t had the chance to…
Me is the one who loves to paint…yes…most of ma nudes r adaptations of me….so yes…I do have a strange collection of pics…. ;P no I WILL NOT show u those…lols!

Me is the one I’m not anymore...

I cant wait till ma next small break...I wish it would come sooner...I wish I was traveling more...I wish I could see the faces I haven’t seen in yrs....I wish…ma friends across the world…weren’t so far apart....but no matter what...they'll always b in ma heart...and one day...we shall all meet once again.....

I hope that where ever I may b....and if u're there......we can meet...and I can b me again.....Love u and thank u all who have made an impact 4 being in ma life.....especially those who have helped me learn to love myself…

Positive Mental Attitude

I’m in ma PMA state -
I am positive
Nothing will break me...
Ma job....doesn’t have a hold on me...
I aint dependant on it
People…don’t have a hold on me...
You don’t have a hold on me…
I aint dependant ….on u
I aint dependant on anyone...
Cause there is no one to b dependant on...
And the ones who I do need...
R there 4 me unconditionally
And I am happy
I will b happy
I will stay happy
U know why
Cause I WILL MAKE ME HAPPY
I don’t need anyone
No words
No actions
No promises
All I have to do is all that 4 myself...by me...just 4 me
And I’m frigid as hell n I’m loving it!!!!